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My Bullshit. Don't look.

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JackalBourne

India

October 12, 2016

Ten years back, I would not have even dreamt my life would come to this.

I wish the day I went looking for chatting websites had not happened. I wish I had not found out the ways to make women talk. I wish I had let the short spell of my righteous change just after I fell in love stay.

My life has grown a big mess now. All because of girls. My girl, the love of my life, has come so close to me now. We are getting married in a month. I have not been entirely truthful to her all this time. My luscious self had found ways to keep myself active in disguise and sweet talk to stranger girls just to make them talk sex. I feel shameful about me, but hey, I know how I get once I turn horny.

It has become customary of me to look back at all the bad things I did and said to some girl and right my course. Temporarily. It happened by the end of last month. There was this girl who started talking after I had put in enough wisecracks and taunts in my conversation to make her intrigued. She was ready to believe all my lies. So I played her, carefully at first, then boldly. She called me brother, but honestly, the things I told her would never be told by any brother to his sister. Poor girl. My sensible side did work at least three times during our brief relationship and I did tell her my intentions were not right, I was lying. Still, when my mind changed and when I told her I was just making things up because I wanted to be alone and I was afraid of having someone close, she was ready to believe my lies. She was so naive.

But one day, it got too much. I told her all the truth when she wasn't there. I don't know if she saw my chats. But I closed my account. I locked the key and threw it away. I knew about me. I knew I would sense the aroma of sex once again in the residues of our last talk and go sniffing back to her. As a matter of fact, I did. Only I had locked up all the doors securely when I left so I would not go back in. She was spared.

But no later than a week, I was back into the same arena. Under a different name, in a different account. I was there again, this time with a set of poems to validate myself as a writer (most of which were copied from elsewhere), slobbering at girls who would come online to read something. And as always, I got hold of some  of them.

I thought to myself this would be the last time I cheated on my love. I lied to her and talked to those girls whom I didn't know at all, all gaily and hilarious. They liked me. One of them even fell in love with me. I knew it and I used it to make her sext with me. I was so cunning, so treacherous. I don't know what lies in wait for me to have manipulated innocent girls' feelings to slake my own thirst.

And there was this married woman. She believed me. She told me everything about her, how it was ruined by her ex husband, how she was helpless, how she needed to set things right. She was so open to me. She was a nice person. But I feigned everything. I acted like I cared and I listened to all she said. I made her laugh. Only to later make her fall for me. But she would not. She was a cautious one. I made a good show last night of me having fallen in love with her. I told her all bullshit things. I told her I would marry her and make her live her life happy. I told her I would give her everything she rightly deserved. I bluffed for about an hour to make her fall for me, but she was adamant. She would not budge. I let go of her and deleted my account. Maybe some day I would go back and talk to her. I am so worried about her now, for no apparent reason. She is a nobody to me. But, I guess, even though I was only listening to her stories for my own lewd purpose, some goodness in me empathizes her. I wish she would solve all her problems in life.

And there was this other friend. She hurt me a lot yesterday. She was making fun of something so intimate to me, that I just let go of all my reserves and expressed my feelings of despair and helplessness to her about my father. But she took a defensive stand. She took it as a reprimand I was directing at her. She taught me one good lesson. Don't believe any girl to be your good friend. They would stay good only as long as you don't accuse them of anything. In fact, I wasn't accusing her of anything. Her statements just triggered me to blow out all the things accumulated in my head over the past 4 months, owing to some of my dad's lies in a public arena. And she got angry on me. I had so much love for her. She was someone so special to me. It was all broken yesterday. Even today, when I messaged her, her response was a perfunctory one. That decided it for me. I am not going to be the same old friend with her. She has changed. Reason enough for me to change and take on a formal demeanour.

And my love. I have not spent time with her on account all those other girls. Too bad of me. Too deceptive of me. I should change all this. I wish I could start writing soon. I have kept it shelved for so long now. A nice story has been rolling around my head for a month now, but I find it hard to sit down and sift it down to paper. I should work on it rather than do all this shitty stuff that only spoils my time but my health too. And I have more at stake now than just me. I have my future wife to think of, too.

Hope the next time I come here, I come clean.

More entries: Life's shit. I'm a fucker.

View all entries from My Bullshit. Don't look. >