gitzuL
i try to improve my english,, help me guyz..lately,i've done test that showed my english has been rusty! Would be nice if we have friends to share and practice with..
gitzuL's Blog
November 29, 2009
d'u ever feel like u wanna just disappear?!?! u just wanna hide with no looking back, running away like a coward..!? have no responsibility to care of or people to consider of. Gee! Lots time i hate myself..but i do hate them too!!
astagfirullah...i blame them for what i feel now. i've become numb, i can barely feel anything. even if i feel something, it will fade, wont last long..i feel angry just for a moment, and then i'll be numb again, empty..lost and confused. i know myself. i have so many weaknesses! i am strong, but in the same time, i am not more than a weak coward..
'this' condition makes me reluctant to behave towards whomever! even in this blog-which probably is unreadable on not--i CANT tell exactly what my problem is. i'm afraid that someone will read it even if they dont know me and i dont know them, but still its...its not right.. i dont want to be blessed by other's pity on me! i wanna have someone who can see clearly and encourage me to keep facing what i'm dealing with wisely..even i know, the most powerful motivation is from myself and from Allah of course.
i cant tell my mom,even if i want to. i cant tell my sisters either. what happened last few years changed everything, changed us mostly in my life and my sisters'.
i can hide it, i can hide what i suffer deep inside my smiles, my laugh..but at some point i cant fight myself when it's become too hard to handle. i teach myself not to blow up my temper nor show my emotion which sometimes make friends of mine confused.
gee!how i wish i be alone! it seems sometimes i wanna live a different life, with different destiny and people. then would i be the same person as i am???
i realize none understands me fully, not even my mom. i dont complain that.
my shoulder is where friends cry on, why cant my younger sister do it to me? i' a good listener for my friends, but why cant my younger let me listen to her??
i always try to be good sister. but its hard when u find someone whom you give ur attention seem not need it, or worse she doesnt want it.
i cant blame anyone. those 'unwanted' things befell us. what i regret is i wasnt wisely sensitive. if only i knew what's coming. i'm sorry for not take good enough care for my sister, younger sister. i wonder if she loves me or not.
i try to get her back. i guess when we got wrecked spot, we gotta move as one. i wanna feel like i have sisters, because i do HAVE two. i'm freaking jealous when hear or look two blooded sisters enjoy their time.
what happened to my family makes me swear in heart that if one day i give birth to a child, i shall not let him/her lack of anything, not even a glance. i'll encourage my child's heart so he/she can get used to face problems. i shall teach him/her always the thruth. i shall not make him/her feel alone.
and it is curved in my mind that i can raise my child alone if i have to. sometimes i hate men so badly till i curse them, disgrace them unrespectfully.
who can protest?
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05:24 PM Nov 29 2009 |
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julywidiawati
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