mariah22

Holidays're over. Afterall the hustle and bustle. Just realized that the anticipation, preparation and the rush are even more exciting than the actual day itself. Not that my holidays weren't great but it was pretty much what I expected. But somehow, I felt a bit of nostalgia. I was a bit sad. A feeling that something is missing. Anyway, eventhough I felt that way, I still went through it- the gift giving, greeting friends and family. I didn't want to spoil the day. Anyway, it was just me. Looking at the kids ( my nieces) - looking at thier happy faces.... I managed to put on a smile. Somehow, it cheered me up. I can see how excited they are about it. It's like nothing can make them cry. Christmas is for them, anyway. And I think, I missed having that kind of Christmas. I never thought I felt that way on such a special day for me. I guess, I was very preoccupied preparing for it - buying gifts and all. So I didn't see this coming. Maybe, I am getting overly dramatic about this. I believed it was still meaningful for me one way or another.It made me realized a lot . Sometimes, I really tend to reflect on things.Well, anyway at the end of the day... I'm still a positive person that I am... always looking for a brighter day ahead of me and of course always thankful for day and all the good things that comes my way.

I guess, this has got to do with my birthday coming. In weeks' time, I will be celebrating my birthday - 28th birthday! When I was young, I was very excited because I know after the holidays - It will be my birthday. But now, I don't know, I guess, I realized I'm not getting any younger. And looking at my life right now- this is not how I pictured myself to be when I grow up. Like what I said, I'm a positive person- I know that things will fall into places at the right time - but not when you don't have much time. Looking back... there were a lot of "what ifs"- what if I did this and that?. I know that the descisions I made before was right at that time. I'm a kind of person who always play- it- safe. "If -it- ain't- broke -don't- fix it" kind of attitude. I dare not to take the risk- I was afraid that I might hurt other people or I'll be a burden to someone, or I get rejected or laughed at, or afraid of what they are going to say. Bottom line: most of the time, I do what will please other people or what they expect of me.And since it seems working out fine, I dare not change it. Always tell myself that in time, I will do what I wanted to do.I learned that it not always right to be on the safe side so you won't get hurt. ( familiar, its from a song). Because in the long run, you're also hurting... even more. So it better to get hurt or failed and get over it. Those experiences makes us a stronger person. and a better one. I believed that every trial that I surpassed is a learning experience. So next time, I think I'll take my chances... i'll take the risk!

Last night, I remembered a line from a song which was popular when I was still I guess... high school. It goes like this.... "we are the ones who are next in line.... And so it hit me. I'm no longer in that line... yet it felt like I'm still there.. waiting. And then, I was watching an episode on " FRIENDS" - The one when they all turned 30. They didn't handle it well. ( hey.... but I'm not 30, though). I guess that's what Im going through- birthday blues....You see... I'm no longer on my early 20s but on my late 20s wow...when people ask my age..huh...just a thought. I know it shouldn't be a big deal.

Well, don't get me wrong... I'm still thankful for another birthday to come. And like what I said before... last year has been great for me.. There are just things I want to do before I turn 30 perhaps. I still have 2 years but you know time flies so fast...and before you know it ... your there! So hopefully, things will fall into place this time. I just have to have what it takes.