touch soul

A lot of pressures are from ourselve. We consider too much and worry too much. We may worry about the future of our job, the future of our life, the future of our marriage. A lot of worries distract us, make us feel powerless and feel depressed. We can't concentrate our energy, our attentions on what we should do. We feel our life is so boring, so unpleasant, Before i like to eat, my happiest time i felt was when i was having breakfast, lunch or supper in schools. I didn't need to consider too much. I only concentrated on my studyings. After graduation, I didn't worry too much at the beginning. I never considered that i need to think about marriage. I felt it was far far away for me to consider marriage. I felt i was a child not an adult. Too early for me to consider marriage. However, three years later, my parents gave me a lot of pressures. They said my job was unstable, i didn't earn a lot of money, and i didn't consider my marriage, even didn't find a boyfriend.  They said i was not as young as before, i should consider about my life, i should consider marriage. The fact nowadays is that it will be very very difficult for girls over 30 years old to find better men to get married.  A lot of people tell me the reality. The reality made me feel i need to hurry to get married. I was worried that I couldn't live a better life if i didn't choose a good man as my husband. I felt even if i couldn't find a good job, if i found a good man to become my husband, i still felt happy in my rest life. Last two weeks i urged to find some one to get married. At that moment, i just wanted to find some one to see each other, if we felt good and happy to get together, i prefered to get married immediately.  That was my thoughts two week ago. My urgent feelings caused me insomnia, lack of appetite. I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to commit suicide. I talked with many people. I tried to find out other people's attitude towards life in shenzhen. I asked them whether they feel kind of homeness in shenzhen. Most of them said no. They said they just worked here, earned money, supported family. No one felt they were here as ease as at home. Maybe i expected too much from job,from life here. The more expectation, the more depressed i felt. I wanted to find a job which could make me feel sense of belongingness. The distance between my expectation and the reality made me feel powerless, feel hopeless, made me feel lost in life. I didn't know what kind of job i should do, what kind of life i should live. Too much worries flooded into my brain. I suffered a lot in the past two months. I was unhappy every day. I didn't have any interest in life. I felt life was meaningless. I didn't know what i was living for, why i was keeping living. Maybe most of us suffered the same as mine. Maybe only me felt severe. Last night, i began to read bible, about "Don't worry". I got peace from reading it.

I don't know why recently i am urgent and want to get married. Three years ago, i just graduated from university. At that moment, i never consided when to get married. I thought it was too early for me to consider married. I felt I was still a child. Even now, i still feel I am not an adult. But before i didn't want to consider marriage, i just ignored marriage and never let the idea of getting married jump into my brain. However, recently i became urgent to get married. Maybe because i am near 30 years old, want to get married and give birth to a baby before 30 years old. I don't know whether every girl will suffer this same problem when they are already certain age for marriage. I don't know how to get rid of this unstable, unplaceful feelings from my mind. I felt life was unstable. I can't get sense of satisfaction from job, I want to get satisfaction from marriage.