some sudden thoughts at midnight

Let’s everyday go by n don’t know wht i m doing. I feel not interested in the department that i chose but have no courage to choose again or begin the new way. Everyday is the same, going to my uni n come back home. While many good friends are beside me, my parents, my brother, my relatives love me. they always worry 4 me, take care of me but i still feel lonely. I can’t tell out all my feeling or my thoughts with them. Why? I can’t see myself.  people  think that im always happy, lucky so it make me also pretend to be  like that all the time. I feel ashamed when let people know that im sad or im crying. I completely don’t like the living way my parents or my relatives are trying to build 4 me.i don’t want to disappoint them, i don’t want to make them cry.

I m really really painful when my uncle said he was extremely disappointed with me.he said  i made him have a feeling of  falling down suddenly into a deep hole. I don’t want to do that. I just want to tell him  im not a perfect person, im not the person as my parents or all people alw think of me.im afraid of the word “proud”, i don’t want to hear that anymore from anyone. It make me be under pressure all the time. Always try to live in or set a limitation 4 myself. And  i never never overcome the circle that they drew 4 me.

Maybe im too selfish, too complicated, or too sensitive. Im trying to make everything serious or to think everything in a wrong way.

The gap between generations is clear n natural. I don’t have rights to require that parents or anyone  alw have to understand me. rasing questions all the time but never try to find out the answers. Think its not fair when people don’t understand me but never try to understand them. Think they don’t love me but never show that i love them. Think they don’t miss me but never call them or send messages to them. Think they have faults but when they say sorry, never answer them……

Dear grandmother

 I used to think  u didn’t love me  n i myself think that i also don’t love u, don’t have any relationship with u. i thought that, and acted as i thought. But i  have to repent for all this life. Just when u passed away, u are not beside me, i can’t see u anymore i found out that how much i love u.

I remember that night on Christmas day- u went away forever. U went to fast, no one can say good bye to u. no one….i cried, cried a lot. I looked at u but u lied there with closed eyes n out of breath.i thought abt the time  when u were alive. I never just 1 time told u i love u. tears now are too late. Repentance is useful. Why just when really losing something can i recognize my real feeling? Look at the grandfather’s eyes i also see the repentance of him while can’t beside u at that moment. The first time i saw him cry.he seem not to know anything, he was quite empty, just sitting at a place seeing at 1 point as if u were standing there n looking at him. Whether or not he was thinking like me.repenting of not telling how how much he loves u, n how much he misses u.

Love is hard to tell directly but love can’t wait 4 anyone if  not say it  out, u ll lose it 4rever.

I lost my grandmother 4rever…………………………………………………………..