I see sadness everywhere...

I am an adult but life still seems to be too difficult for me. Does this mean I am not mature enough to cope with everyday problems?I just feel overwhelmed almost all the time. I always ask myself one question – Can I live?Do I really know how to do it?And how to do it properly?

I don't know those answeres, unfortunately I will never know, that's my opinion.

And maybe when I know it, it will be too late... No chance to use that information.

Maybe that is the sense of life. To live, experience and gradually get to know those answers and when I know what I want it's the end of my life. My life has no other sense. My aim is fulfilled...

Sounds sad, istn't it?

Every day disappoints me at some level, in majority of cases it's me who disappoints me... I mean I disappoint myself and I feel really bad about it. Or maybe I am too strict toward myself...Difficult to say.

Today for example made my hurt a lot... I am in a relationship but actyally I feel like I was single. You may ask me why... The problem is that I have to concentrate on my studies as I am not the best in my group and I am afraid of being thrown away. And my boyfriend always has free time for himself, he visits his friends, has fun, drinks beer and then comes back to our dormitory romm at about 2 o'clock. It's the time I generally finish studying, preparing for tests etc. And I want to tak to him, hug, kiss... but there's no chance. He goes to bed and immediately fells asleep.

Obviously I shouldn't have been angry with him but I was and I always will be. That hurts. He knows that it's the only time of the day I am free and I can sacrifice all this time just to him but he doesn't like to go to sleep late... I am just opposite... I can stay late. I considere it as a huge and serious problem in our relationship. I don't want to have such life in the future. Yes, I know, probably I will have to get up earlier to go to work so I won't be able to stay late or sleep just few hours but if so, I want to do it know because know it's possible and it's the only and the last chance to do it... And with him... I feel like with my grandmother. She goes to bed at the same hour as he does...

Can you suggesr something to me to improve that unconvenient situation?I would us to be together forever but I really don't want it to look like that.

Apart from that, he's very caring, thoughtful, he helps me a lot etc. And I think that's why I am becoming the more and more demanding... That's how it works.

If he wasn't so good to me, I would dream about his being good and I would not mind his going to bed so early...

Girls will be girls... And we will always have problems like those of mine...

P.S. I want to recommend you my favourite piece of music: BIRDY – SHELTER, and other songs of her ;) It's rather melancholic and sad but helps me a lot to get calm after situations like today's.